ok first off i wanna say a little something about my friends. or kinda more like to my friends... you guys are amazing. and i really hope you guys know that i love and appreciated every single one of you. BUT if you come to me asking what's wrong and i just say "nothing, i'll be ok" it's not because i don't trust you enough to tell you or anything it's just that some people understand better then others. i know it sucks cause all you wanna do is help but it's easier to talk to people that understand rather then someone that's just gonna say "im sorry. i hope things get better." you know? saldkfjie idk how to put it into words but just know that im not mad at you or anything there's just certains that i can only tell certain people.
now onto a different subject. this is going to get me hella texts, comments, messages, everything but i just gotta be honest. i've grown up not really knowing much about God. i mean i was told who he was, what he's done for us and all that but never really got to know HIM. i never really went to church when i was younger but in middle school i had a friend that invited me to her church so i was like sure i'll go. now it wasn't like you just sat and listened to someone talk for 2hours or whatever it was actually really really fun. we would get there and there would be games like pool, foosball, ping pong. and there were snacks and music. really fun. then when it was time to start we would all play a game. like once we were split into groups and had to tape one person to the wall with duct tape and whichever goup have their person stay up the longest would win. then we were get the chairs out (if they weren't out already) and we would sing a few songs then the pastor would come up and talk. he was really really cool too. he would have us laughin like crazy. i remember thinking like wow if this is what church is like why havn't i been coming? so i started going every week with her. then one night, i can't even remember what we were talking about the night but the pastor said something like "why are you here? are you here for God or are you here for fun and your friends?" and all of a sudden i just broke down in tears. my friend and her sister were like o.O what's wrong with her? so me, my friend, her sister, and her friend all moved to the back corner and they were like hey are you ok? what's wrong? and i was like i have no idea. i think it just hit me that i was there for all the wrong reasons. so we sat there for a little while til i calmed down and then went back to our seats.
at the end of the night the pastor and one of the counselors for the girls came up to me and asked if they could talk to me. they asked if i was alright and i told them that i thought i finally realized that i was coming for the wrong reasons and for some reason it really just broke me down. they said that it was good that i realized that and they were happy about it. we talked for a little bit longer and then i went home.
i kept going every week (well almost, since it was on wednesdays and we were in school if i had too much homework i couldn't go). i went for both years of middle school and then once highschool came along we stopped. the wednesday nights were only for middle schoolers and then after that you went with the adults to the "boring" services. so i stopped going all together.
now im going to skip a lot of details that i will later blog about but as for now im just tell you my story behind my relationship with God.
so i stopped going to church and i started partying. started drinking in attempt to hide all the pain and frustrations from home and what not(that "pain" is a whole other story that i will blog about later). which it did help but then made it worse when i was sitting over the toliet puking my brains out. (TMI? sorry) then i started smoking weed. that helped too but again the high would go away and i would be just as depressed as before. i started doubting God and everything about him. i started asking myself why he would let me do all these things and let all these things happen to me. i kept telling myself that he was real and that did exist but my heart just wouldn't believe me. so God just wasn't a part of my life. then jordin came along.
jordin jordin jordin. i think we all know that she's absolutely amazing. random fact: i NEVER wore my hair down and curly till she came along. xD i saw how cute it looked on her and decided to try it and people ended up loving it! yay. haha anyway after idol i started learning more and more about her and found out how religious she was and how happy she was so i decided to try and get my head on straight. i didn't start going to church but i started praying again asking God to forgive me for leaving him. i got my "faith" tattoo as a reminder to never let it go. i later on got my '1 Timothy 6:12' tattoo to remind me that God DOES have a plan for me and stop trying to fight against him and his plan. and of course my famous OSAAT tattoo LOL. that tattoo seriously gets me through EVERYTHING. i LOVE it.
so now im here. my love for God still isn't as high as it used to be but im working on it. i still feel like im being punished or something. i feel like he doesn't care that all these bad things are happening. i feel like he doesn't care that im hurting myself constantly to release the pain. no matter how many times someone tells me that he loves me and that he cares for me i just don't feel it. i want so badly to feel his love like i used to but i've lost it and don't know how to get it back. people keep telling me to pray and i am but it's just not working for me. i don't know what to do anymore.
christa said something that REALLY opened my eyes though and im going to steal it straight from her blog...
"i've talked about this before...and i'll talk about it again, but we all know there's a lot of bad things that go on in this world. for so many years i would shake my fist at God screaming WHY??? WHY did the sexual have to be awakened in me so early?? WHY was i struggling constantly with addictions?? WHY was i so depressed?? WHY couldn't i get free?? WHY didn't anyone love me in the guy department?? WHY WHY WHY???? the crazy thing is...when i actually stopped accusing him...stopped blaming him...and got close to him....i found out that not only did he not have anything to do with much of it...he actaully CRIED with me...longing for it NOT to have happened to me. it WASN'T his will that i was abused. it WASN'T his will for me to be in such pain. well, then the age-old question...why didn't he stop it from happening completely???
because the essence of love is a choice. (i'm repeating myself, but sometimes we need to hear things over and over before they sink in). the definition of love means someone has a choice whether or not to love. you can't command or force love...otherwise it ceases to be love. that's why...because he loved us and wanted to be with us...he said, 'i want them to CHOOSE me. i want them to love me, not because i make them, but because they WANT to.' his very definition of love meant that he had to follow his own rules....and he gave us the choice whether or not we would love him back."
does it not seem like she's speaking directly to ME?! i feel that way why a lot of stuff she writes. she's opened my eyes to A LOT. but deep down inside im still lost and still dealing with a lot and i don't think that it's going to be easy to get over all of this stuff but im very VERY thankful that christa is doing all of this and sharing her story because it's REALLY helping.
i think im going to end this here. this blog is REALLY long, im sorry. maybe i should change my major from computers to writing LOL noooooot! i love my computers too much :P if you've sat and read this whole thing you are amazing because i probably would have said "pft jojo you crazy i ain't readin all this!" hahaha. omg seriously i need to stop typing.
GOODBYE!
