old dreams....

these are dreams i had forever ago and i posted on myspace when we were all posting our crazy jordin dreams xD anyway, enjoy...

Jan. 17, 2009

im not too sure if i can remember EVERYYYYTHING but twas a long the hell dream anyway.
it started with me ariel and jordin talking on meebo. i don't remember what about but i left for like 2.5 seconds and come back and jo is like joanna joanna joannaaaa (yea she didn't say jojo she used my real name i just realized how weird that is xD) and then i was like what what what and she was like did i ever message you back on myspace with my last name? (idk why i would need her last name o.O) and i was like erm noooo and she was like dang it!
and that was the end of that hahaha and then ariel and i went to wet seal to see jo working but she came to work late and we were like wtf where is she? then she finally came like 30 mins later and we were like jordin you're gonna get fired! and she was like eh they won't fire me i designed most of the clothes there and we were like ok whatever and started walking around the mall and then all of a sudden it was like an outside mall? yea idk and it was like in the desert. then jo comes up and starts talking to us and we're like jordin aren't you supposed to be working and she's like yea sure whatever so what's up? and we were like ahahha erm ok? and we all started talking. theeeen the next thing i know we're all jumping off the side of the cliff and into the water. O_O and then we're just chillin swimming and we all swim back to the shore and we're just laying out in the sun then ariel's like im hungry the frig xD and jo's like yea im kinda hungry too and im like ehh whatever i guess i could eat now so we start walking towards the cars and jo's like where's my tour bus?! and ariel and i look at eachother like o.O and jo's like i parked it RIGHT HERE!! and ariel and i are like why did you come in your tour bus and HOW THE HEEEL DID YOU DRIVE IT!! and jo's like it's easy to drive and i drove it here because we have to leave on tour tonight duhhh. and ariel's like we're going on tour with you? and jo's like did you hit your head when you jumped off the cliff or something you guys go on every tour with me. and im like duh ariel what would she do without her back-up dancers. (xD heeeeel yes we be the backup dancers again) finally we find the tour bus and we all took showers and jordin made us grilled cheese. twas delicious. then jo was like i guess i should go back to work now and we were like haha yea probably. so she left and ariel and were just chillin in the bus.. i was watching tv and ariel was on zee laptop.
the next thing i know im driving the damn tour bus and jo's in the back laying down and ariel's watching tv and this little tv in the dashboard turns on and it's jo and she's like jojo im bored and im like well im driving i can't help you with that why don't you come watch tv with ariel and she's like erm ok. so she comes out and they start watching idk what lol then freakin scotty pops out of NO WHERE and is sitting next to me and is like you want me to dive so you can watch tv with them and im like yea! so he starts driving and i go watch tv with them and then ariel's like let's make a movie and put it on youtube! and we're like yea! so we plan out this crazy the hell music video for shy boy xD and video tape it and OMG seriously i wish i could just do it cause twas thee best video ever hahaha we were coming out of the bunks and crap omg soooo hilarious. and after we were done we watched it over before putting it on youtube and we were all laughing so hard some kind of drink came out of jordin's nose xD and that made us laugh even more. we were all laughing so much twas amazing. then we finally put in on youtube and like 5 mins later there was like 3 thousand views and we were like WHHHAAAAATTT??!! jajaja and then that was just about the end. we were talking some more but i don't remember what about.
overall twas a REALLY long dream. i cut out a lot of the random conversation that i can't really remember everything we were talking about. but i wish it was all real cause it was a fun time.

Dec. 5, 2008
HOLY SHAZ IT'S BEEN FOREVER!! haha I haven't had a dream erm a dream that I could remember in like forever so I was quite excited when I woke up and I was actually watching tv and all of a sudden it popped in my head and I was like ... O.O -grabs ipod and opens notepad- hahaha so yea I had to make sure I didn't forget it. Anywhooo here it is.
OH! first off I'll tell you who's in it cause the people the read these don't know some of them. first there's kelli and i was on dance team with her in 7th and 8th grade and then there's kayla and i was on dance team with her in 8th grade and then i was on song with her in 9th and 10th grade. then there's danelle and i have known her for about 9 years i think. holy crap that's a long time but yea she's like my other sister and i miss her freakin guts. and then there's jordin and jodi and if you don't know who they are you don't deserve to read this xP
I was with Kelli, Kayla, Danelle and more random people and we were at my old highschool getting ready for a parade and we saw jordin rehearsing for the parade and i wanted to go say hi but she left before i could. then we walked up to this crosswalk and jordin was there with her "people" and i was like YAY! so i jumped in front of her but like not facing her and she was like "AH! what in the world?!" and i turned around and was like oh sorry ma'am did i scare you? and she was like O_O JOJO!! and i was like :P (yes i actually stuck my tongue out) and she gave me one of those damnfreakinthehell big hugs (i miss those hugs -insertsadface-) then we talked for a little bit. er not twas a long bit..
ME: i miss you
JORDIN: aww i miss you too, i miss all of you! how is everyone? Ariel, Brizzy, Gabby, Ashley, you know all those girls.
ME: good. we all keep trying to get together to see eachother but it's hard when we all live so far from one another.
JORDIN: yea... maybe my parents will let me fly yall out to my house so we can all hand out
ME: O_O you would do that?
JORDIN: are you kidding me I love you guys of course I would!
then the crosswalk thing changed (and yes apparently it said don't cross for however long we talked haha) so she gave me another guys and left. and then i started walking with my ground and i was like..
ME: aww i miss her
KAYLA: -rolls eyes-
KELLI: -laughs-
ME: what?
KELLI: you know she not really like your friend right?
ME: em yea she is. I don't think she would fly random people out to her house
KAYLA: pft you reallllly think she would do that
KELLI: yea seriously be realistic now
ME: whatever guys i know she's my friend -starts walking ahead of them-
KELLI: oh no we hurt her feelings guys
KAYLA: haha whatever. she's stupid to even like jordin she seems so fake and tries to be this innocent girl with her stupid purity ring.
ME: -turns around- no it's not stupid at all but it would be stupid if i just walked away wihtout doing this -insert a punch in the face-
I knocked kayla to the ground and so kelli started fighting me and we end up in the middle of the street while the parade is going so these police officers were trying to break us up but kelli was pullin on my hair so the officers were like just let them go (clearly not officer would do that tis why it's only a dream) so we kept fighting and the parade was still going on and was like going around us o.O weird but whatever then all of a sudden someone is picking me up off of kelli and is yelling "STOP IT STOP IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" and i turn to see who it is and it's jodi and I'm like "they started it they wouldn't shut up!!"
now there's an officer holding onto kelli and kayla and jodi is holding onto me and she turns me around to look at me face to face and is like...
JODI: what is wrong?
ME: -tells her what they said and everything- JODI: is that really any reason to get in a huge fight like this? it's really not like you
ME: yes! they are evil betches!!
then I turned around and start heading for kelli and kayla again and right when im about to punch kayla jordin pops up and is like "WOA! what happened to you" and then looks at her mom and jodi's like "get her over here before she hits that girl again!" and then jo picks me up and throws me over her shoulder and is like "JOJO! you got in a fight?!" and im like "those evil betches kept saying you weren't my friend and they were being really mean and i hate them!! SO LET ME GO!!" and jordin's like "ha yea right im not letting go of you even if you started beating me up"
and.. o_o i did sorry jordin >_< haha i started hitting her back with my fists and kicking my legs. then she sits me down between her and jodi and jordin asks jodi whats going on and jodi tells her what i told her and jordin's like...
JORDIN: jojo look at me
ME: -still glaring at kelli and kayla from across the street-
JORDIN: JOJO!! LOOK AT ME! -pulls my head towards her- you need to let this go. you're stronger than this you shouldn't let something like this set you off like this.
ME: NO! im tired of people telling me that you shouldn't be my idol and that you're not my friend and that you don't even know who i am or even care and you're just being nice. im tired of it jordin TIRED OF IT!!
JORDIN: -smiles- let.. it.. go -give me another hug :)
then someone came up to her and was like jordin you need to finish the parade and she was like no sorry im a little busy right now with a friend and i was like it's ok and jodi was liek jo you go ahead and i'll stay with her. so jordin was like ok and smiled and gave me a hug and left. then jodi was like ok let's get you cleaned up you look like crap so we started walking away and we get to some random bathrooms and pj was outside and i was like OH NO!! HE CAN'T SEE ME LIKE THIS!! and jodi was like huh who? and i was like PJ!! and she just laughed and pulled me along and then i woke up.
wow intense much? p.s. i have sorta always wanted to beat up kelli and kayla cause they were mean and rude to me >_< and yea that seemed sooooo long typing it but it felt like everything happened in maybe 5 mins in my dream. and omg jodi told me i looked like crap! hahaha xD oh and the dress jordin was wearing was like the black one from her line.. the all black one but it was all sequined and it had a pink bow in front and it was REALLY cute!
that is all
mkaythanksbye!

Oct. 22, 2008
I forgot to write it >_< but zees one isn't too exciting buuuut I thought I might as well post it.
So I'm at this waterpark with Jordin and Bailey (jordin's best friend) and first of all I have no idea what waterpark this is but I have had like 2 or 3 other dreams with the same one and it's really weird and two Bailey's name wasn't Bailey it was Cassie. Yea idk why but it was Bailey I swear. So yea we are in line for this maze like thing and I went first and Jordin was behind me and then it was Bailey err Cassie. There was this one part that was like a bridge but you had to like climb on the sides of it to get across and if you fell you landed on asphalt. :O I started going across and Jordin was like JoJo be careful! Don't fall! and I was like Jordin calm down I've done this before! So I kept going and right when I got to like the middle I slipped and I was hanging on with one hand and Jordin was like aaahhhhhh [HOLY SHAZ YOU GUYS JORDIN SCREAMED IN MY DREAM!! XD] and she was like Cassie help me get her! so her and cassie err bailey whatever were trying to reach me and they couldn't and then all of a sudden i fell and I just like closed my eyes and when I opened my eyes twas Edward (from twilight) that caught me. I was like O.O and then I woke up.
the end.



Oct. 14, 2008
You will be jealous of zees one.
It started off with me waking up and I was in my room that I have right now and I walk out to go pee and the house is HUUUUUGGEEE. Everything was different yet the same.. hard to discribe. Anyway I walk into the kitchen and Alicia Keys was making pancankes and I was like wts?! and she turns around and was like "hey sweetie you ready for breakfast?" and I was just stood there and she was like "ok I guess you're not fully awake yet. Can you get your sister down here please?" again I just stood there and did nothing and she was like "what is wrong with you? Just go sit down and I'll get her" So she walks around the corner and yells "JORDINNNN!!" and down comes jordin and I turn and look at her like and jordin's like "mom... what's wrong with her?" and alicia's like "I'm not sure, maybe she's sleep walking" so I turn around and start eating and then all of a sudden everything clicks and I remember that Jordin is my sister and alicia is my mom. I get up to get some apple juice and there's only enough for one glass so I pour me some and then jordin's like "why do you get the last of it?!" and I'm like "cause I got to it first!" and Jordin snatches the glass from me and says " apparently not too quick about that though!" and runs away and I'm like "mooooooooooom" and alicia comes around the corner and is like "what now?" and I'm like "jo just took my apple juice" and alicia rolls her eyes and yells "JORDIN GIVE YOUR SISTER HER APPLE JUICE NOW!!" and jo comes around the corner and is like "ughh mom she always gets her way it's not fair!" and alicia's like "jordin stop, she does not" and jordin's like "yes she does!" and pours the apple juice on my head! and so I stood there for like 2.5 seconds and I then jump on her and we start fighting and alicia's like "don't make me call your auntie in here!" and we didn't stop so she like "B!! get down here and break up these kids!" and who comes down..? BEYONCE!! She picks me up off jordin and like pushes me to one side of the kitchen and Jordin gets up and she has a bloody nose and runs up the stairs and the beyonce was like "WHAT is your problem!?" and then I woke up.
Most entertaining dream ever. Sorry Jordin for beating you up and giving you a bloody nose ok that is it.
THE END.

Oct. 9, 2008
Ok so last night I didn't have a fun and amazing dream but I'm going to post it anyways cause it involves alot of the sparkplugs and Jordin.
Twas time for the Sparkplug Convention.. FINALLY and gabby, ariel, brizzy, ashley, annmarie, Jodi, Pj, and I were all there a day eariler to make sure all the rooms got booked and we rented out this big convention like room at the hotel so we were setting it up with like this big welcome sign and yea twas AMAZING. Then Jodi went outside to take a call and Pj followed. All the rest of us just were sitting there talking and all of a sudden we could hear Jodi screaming "NO! NO! NO! you must be wrong. That's just not possible!" So we were all like wow I wonder what's wrong and a few seconds later she comes in crying like crazy and Pj just was sitting against the wall with his head down and we could tell he was crying too. So we rush up to Jodi and we are like "what's wrong? Is everything ok?" and she's like "no, there's been an accident.... Jordin's plane crashed and none of them made it." We all just stood there in complete shock. Brizzy fainted and Ariel and Ashley ran to their room. Annmarie, Gabby, and I just stayed there and tried to comfort Jodi as much as possible. Then after a little bit (after brizzy woke up) the two of us when to see if Ariel and Ashley were ok and we all just sat by the window and looked out crying.
The next day when everyone came we had to tell them the news. Everyone was in the convention room and Jodi wasn't there because she couldn't handle seeing everyone's reaction to the news so I stood up in front of everyone and said "you guys I have some very important news so I need everyone to listen please... There's been a terrible accident. Jordin's plane crashed and none of them made it" It was so silent you could hear a pin drop then someone yelled out "Ok your joking right?" and I was like no guys this is for real. Then everyone started crying and hugging and Ariel, Ashley, Brizzy, Gabby, and I put together a slideshow the night before so we played it. And right at the end when it said "REST IN PARADISE JORDIN SPARKS (say hello to Wendy for us)" I woke up.
When I woke up I looked up at my poster and started crying and then was thanking God it was only a dream. But that dream really made me realize you only have so much time with someone and you could lose them at any moment. So tell your friends and your family that you love them. Atleast once a day. You never know when God's gonna decide that he wants them for his own. So I wanna say that I love you all. All my sparkplugs. You guys are amazing and I'm so glad that I have had the chance to meet you guys. Erm well kinda. I've met some of you in person but the other tis ok maybe one day such as the SPARKPLUG CONVENTION and I'm gonna make sure that no one dies on the way there :) LOOOOOOVE YOUUU<3


Oct. 5, 2008
are you guys ready for this one? tis not very long but it was long enough haha. mkay so it started out with me at work watch a video of syesha singing listen and i was singing along and someone came up to me and was like "wow you're really good you should audition for AI" and I was like "ok!" hahahaha yea right me audition for AI? tis why it's a dream lol anyway to i audition and get through everything and now it's the top 4 and guess who they are? me, ariel, ashley, and brizzy. BHAHAHHAHHAA!! we all sang our songs. i sang listen, ariel sang now you tell me, ashley sang better in time (leona lewis) and omg brizzy... she sang some kinda of remix something of B.I.N.G.O yes you guys are jealous you deedn't hear it. XD anyway ashley was booted off first. then eet was brizzy. then it was just down to me and ariel. it was time for them to announce the winner and they were like.. "and the winner of american idol season 21 (yes season 21) is............... ARIEL!" al;ksdjflksajdlaksjdfa betch won! tis my dream and i deedn't even win! hahaha and that was the end. amazing right. hahahaa.




Oct. 3, 2008
hokay here eet goes X] it started out that I was at a cheer competition and brizzy, ariel. korey, jasmine, gabby, monique, and ashley were there cheering me on.and it was our turn to go out and one of my bases (people that throw the other people[flyers] up) hurt her wrist and couldn't perform so everyone was freaking out like who is going to be jojo's other base and then da dada daaa here comes jordin to save the day hahaha so she ends up being my other base XD we end up getting first place and then all of a sudden it ends up being like a concert and jo performed and so did demi and jesse haha and me and my team were in the background doing stunts and flips twas amazing haha
then afterwards we all went to erm jordin's house I guess cause jodi and pj were there and when we got there pj was like omg you're the girl from the alicia keys concert! and yea was like yea you wanted my number and he was like yea well I have a question for you... will you go out with me? BAHAHAHHAAHA only in my dreams right? lol so I said yes and then we all went in jo's room and em it was like the size of my house hahaha it was huge and her walls were pink and everything was hello kitty and we all sat down and were talking about her next album and we were helping her pick songs and then she was like you guys I wanna write a song about you guys and put it in my album and we were all like awwww and then she was like but you're not going to be able to hear it until the album comes out and we were like JORDIN WTS?! lol and then jordin was like im hungry so we all went to the kitchen and jordin made everyone mac n cheese haha and I was like im not hungry and jordin was like omg you're crazy eat and I was like no really im not hungry and she took me aside and was like I've read your letter and your anorexic days so what's up? what have you eaten today? and I was like idk like a bagel this morning and she punched me in my arm and was like JOJO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! you are beautiful and definately not fat so why aren't you eating? and I was like idk jordin and so she forced me on zee couch and sat on top of me so I couldn't move and she was like "YOU GUYS BRING THE FOOD OVER HERE WE HAVE AN INTERVENTION TO DO" so you guys held me down and forced me to eat the mac n cheese and then pj came out and we like what are you doing to my girlfriend?! and he pushed everyone off of me and we went outside by the pool and watched the sunrise
hahaha yesss you are so jealous of my dream and how incredibly long and unecessary eet was :)

Dance Show requirements....

So I've just been informed that I have to raise a minimum of $100 by the 22nd of this month for this dance show. I know we're all broke but if you could donate anything it would be greatly appreciated cause lord knows I don't have a dime to my name to give.

ok first off i wanna say a little something about my friends. or kinda more like to my friends... you guys are amazing. and i really hope you guys know that i love and appreciated every single one of you. BUT if you come to me asking what's wrong and i just say "nothing, i'll be ok" it's not because i don't trust you enough to tell you or anything it's just that some people understand better then others. i know it sucks cause all you wanna do is help but it's easier to talk to people that understand rather then someone that's just gonna say "im sorry. i hope things get better." you know? saldkfjie idk how to put it into words but just know that im not mad at you or anything there's just certains that i can only tell certain people.

now onto a different subject. this is going to get me hella texts, comments, messages, everything but i just gotta be honest. i've grown up not really knowing much about God. i mean i was told who he was, what he's done for us and all that but never really got to know HIM. i never really went to church when i was younger but in middle school i had a friend that invited me to her church so i was like sure i'll go. now it wasn't like you just sat and listened to someone talk for 2hours or whatever it was actually really really fun. we would get there and there would be games like pool, foosball, ping pong. and there were snacks and music. really fun. then when it was time to start we would all play a game. like once we were split into groups and had to tape one person to the wall with duct tape and whichever goup have their person stay up the longest would win. then we were get the chairs out (if they weren't out already) and we would sing a few songs then the pastor would come up and talk. he was really really cool too. he would have us laughin like crazy. i remember thinking like wow if this is what church is like why havn't i been coming? so i started going every week with her. then one night, i can't even remember what we were talking about the night but the pastor said something like "why are you here? are you here for God or are you here for fun and your friends?" and all of a sudden i just broke down in tears. my friend and her sister were like o.O what's wrong with her? so me, my friend, her sister, and her friend all moved to the back corner and they were like hey are you ok? what's wrong? and i was like i have no idea. i think it just hit me that i was there for all the wrong reasons. so we sat there for a little while til i calmed down and then went back to our seats.

at the end of the night the pastor and one of the counselors for the girls came up to me and asked if they could talk to me. they asked if i was alright and i told them that i thought i finally realized that i was coming for the wrong reasons and for some reason it really just broke me down. they said that it was good that i realized that and they were happy about it. we talked for a little bit longer and then i went home.

i kept going every week (well almost, since it was on wednesdays and we were in school if i had too much homework i couldn't go). i went for both years of middle school and then once highschool came along we stopped. the wednesday nights were only for middle schoolers and then after that you went with the adults to the "boring" services. so i stopped going all together.

now im going to skip a lot of details that i will later blog about but as for now im just tell you my story behind my relationship with God.

so i stopped going to church and i started partying. started drinking in attempt to hide all the pain and frustrations from home and what not(that "pain" is a whole other story that i will blog about later). which it did help but then made it worse when i was sitting over the toliet puking my brains out. (TMI? sorry) then i started smoking weed. that helped too but again the high would go away and i would be just as depressed as before. i started doubting God and everything about him. i started asking myself why he would let me do all these things and let all these things happen to me. i kept telling myself that he was real and that did exist but my heart just wouldn't believe me. so God just wasn't a part of my life. then jordin came along.

jordin jordin jordin. i think we all know that she's absolutely amazing. random fact: i NEVER wore my hair down and curly till she came along. xD i saw how cute it looked on her and decided to try it and people ended up loving it! yay. haha anyway after idol i started learning more and more about her and found out how religious she was and how happy she was so i decided to try and get my head on straight. i didn't start going to church but i started praying again asking God to forgive me for leaving him. i got my "faith" tattoo as a reminder to never let it go. i later on got my '1 Timothy 6:12' tattoo to remind me that God DOES have a plan for me and stop trying to fight against him and his plan. and of course my famous OSAAT tattoo LOL. that tattoo seriously gets me through EVERYTHING. i LOVE it.

so now im here. my love for God still isn't as high as it used to be but im working on it. i still feel like im being punished or something. i feel like he doesn't care that all these bad things are happening. i feel like he doesn't care that im hurting myself constantly to release the pain. no matter how many times someone tells me that he loves me and that he cares for me i just don't feel it. i want so badly to feel his love like i used to but i've lost it and don't know how to get it back. people keep telling me to pray and i am but it's just not working for me. i don't know what to do anymore.

christa said something that REALLY opened my eyes though and im going to steal it straight from her blog...

"i've talked about this before...and i'll talk about it again, but we all know there's a lot of bad things that go on in this world. for so many years i would shake my fist at God screaming WHY??? WHY did the sexual have to be awakened in me so early?? WHY was i struggling constantly with addictions?? WHY was i so depressed?? WHY couldn't i get free?? WHY didn't anyone love me in the guy department?? WHY WHY WHY???? the crazy thing is...when i actually stopped accusing him...stopped blaming him...and got close to him....i found out that not only did he not have anything to do with much of it...he actaully CRIED with me...longing for it NOT to have happened to me. it WASN'T his will that i was abused. it WASN'T his will for me to be in such pain. well, then the age-old question...why didn't he stop it from happening completely???

because the essence of love is a choice. (i'm repeating myself, but sometimes we need to hear things over and over before they sink in). the definition of love means someone has a choice whether or not to love. you can't command or force love...otherwise it ceases to be love. that's why...because he loved us and wanted to be with us...he said, 'i want them to CHOOSE me. i want them to love me, not because i make them, but because they WANT to.' his very definition of love meant that he had to follow his own rules....and he gave us the choice whether or not we would love him back."

does it not seem like she's speaking directly to ME?! i feel that way why a lot of stuff she writes. she's opened my eyes to A LOT. but deep down inside im still lost and still dealing with a lot and i don't think that it's going to be easy to get over all of this stuff but im very VERY thankful that christa is doing all of this and sharing her story because it's REALLY helping.

i think im going to end this here. this blog is REALLY long, im sorry. maybe i should change my major from computers to writing LOL noooooot! i love my computers too much :P if you've sat and read this whole thing you are amazing because i probably would have said "pft jojo you crazy i ain't readin all this!" hahaha. omg seriously i need to stop typing.

GOODBYE!

sit and think...

so today i sat on the porch and thought. stared up in the sky and just thought. (then when it got hot i came inside and just looked out my window. i also realized after like an hour of being inside i still had my sunglasses on haha. FAIL)

pretty much i thought about a lot of the questions that i blogged about a few days ago. why do things happen? how do things work? why do people come in your life then just stab you in the back and then leave?

i thought about my dad a lot actually. idk if i tweeted or blogged or anything about this but i few weeks ago my sister went to the base (army base) for something.. idk weekend training or something and one of the higher ups asked her if she knew that her dad was trying to join the army again. since we don't talk to my dad nor do we know anything about him she obviously didn't know. apparently he tried to join and they asked if he had any children in the army and he said no. they then told him actually yes you do and he just kept say no no i don't have any children. sooooo pretty much he just straight up doesn't give a flying rat's ass about us... awesomeeeee. that REALLY hit me hard. i've spent my WHOLE life trying to find this guy. wondering if he thinks about us or is trying to find us... then i hear about this. i would still love to find him and talk to him. i have so many unanswered questions that only HE can answer and damn it they WILL be answered! *sigh* this little conversation i had with myself made me so mad and frustrated i cried for about an hour then realized i was talking to myself and stopped crying and started thinking about something else.

i started thinking about my life. the good and the bad. i thought about all the friends i've made in the past couple years also all the friends i've lost. it's sad that my bestfriend of about 8 years is completely gone. like she disappeared off the face of the planet. the sad thing is that it's probably completely all my fault. i wasn't the bestfriend i should've been. i still love her to death and hope that we can be friends again in the future but i just don't think we'll ever be as close as we once were. im so so soooooo happy for all the friends that i've made though. omg it's CRAZYYYY how many people i've met. let's see if i can name them all... please forgive me if i forget you >_<

gabby. annmarie. korey. ariel. brizzy. monique. ashley. ashlee. mikkalia. sammy. jasmine. jasmine. jasmine. (hahaha) james. wesley. carlie. ellen. heather. janay. johanna. megan. megan. karen. kristin. kristen. LJ. lauren. mallory. nikia. brittany. danielle. jessica. shanelle. rana. sami. luci. aly. shane. tajae. taylor. meah. leah. fanaye. colton. sara.

O_O woa. i have a feeling im missing someone and they're gonna get hella mad at me xD anyway it's crazy how many people i've met just in the past like year and a half almost 2 years. like seriously that's crazy and all because of some random girl named jordin :P i don't think she realizes how many people she's brought together. i can't wait to meet everyone. we WILL have that speezy convention. i PROMISE :)

so yea i thought about everyone and how thankful i am for them cause HONESTLY i wouldn't be here without them. so thank you thank you thank you. everyone last one of you. seriously.

what else did i think about. oh! duh life. i thought about how much i wanted/didn't want to be here. awww shit here comes the hard part. i think we all know that im not excited about life right now. and well if you haven't noticed that by now then you fail because it's pretty obvious. ANYWAY so i was sitting inside looking out my window and thinking what it would be like to be up there, up in the clouds looking down on everyone. how would everyone feel if i was gone? what would they do? now don't get crazy and start calling, texting, messaging me saying "OMG JOJO!! ARE YOU CRAZY?!" blah blah blah. i understand a lot of you care for me and you would hate to see me go buuuut some people just aren't meant to be in this world and i believe im one of those people. i feel like god is pushing me to the limits EVERY day seeing just how far i'll go before breaking down. he never gives me a break. every day is challenge. every day is an obstacle course. will i make it through the whole course without breaking? can i get through it without getting hurt?

when i wake up in the morning i ask myself how much hurt can i take today and that determines how much i do. if i feel like i can take a lot then i'll go out and do stuff. go to the mall. go out to eat. pretty much just be out. if i feel like i can't take much then i stay in my room all day with my music and my computer. i wish i could tell everyone EVERYTHING so you knew what im feeling and why i feel that way but i just can't. believe me it's better if you just didn't know and just hope for the best. you see i have a love/hate relationship with life. some days we love eachother but most days we hate eachother. it's been that way for quite some time now so it's nothing new. i will say though that the days that we love eachother are the best days ever. wouldn't trade them for the world.

i feel like im not making much sense. haha i tend to ramble and start to digress. sorry if im confusing you. my brain (woa as i typed 'brain' jordin sang 'brain' THAT was weird) anyway my brain works faster then my fingers can type, which is actually pretty fast sometimes haha. la la la laaaa im having a major A.D.D. moment. although i've never been tested for A.D.D. im pretty sure i have it. actually im pretty sure A LOT of people have it. alkejoianfdas ok ok FOCUS!

what else did i think about today? i thought about my hip hop class and how i have noooo idea what song my group is going to use for our final. any suggestions? let me know. i also thought about what the heck im going to do about school. stupid budget cuts took away a lot of the computer classes that i was planning on taking sooo idk what to do. change my major? I HAVE NO IDEA. but i only have a few weeks to figure it out because classes start august 17th, which is the monday after my summer class ends. yea my summer failed. COMPLETELY failed. i didn't do ANYTHING. and i only went to the beach ONCE! smh that's just sad. for someone that lives pretty damn close to the beach that is a complete and epic failure that i only went once. i didn't even go swimming... nope not once. didn't even get to go to vegas! >:(

ok im having a really hard time focusing right now so ima end this blog and i'll blog more tomorrow about the serious shaz that i thought about today cause i don't feel like crying right now. nope nope nope. so goodbye for now. gumbo in the morning. earlier than usual so let's hope i can wake up >_<

loooooooove (^_^)V

my white flag is up...

i’ve always been the back bone for this family. i’m always the one to hold everyone together. it doesn’t really make much sense to me though. i’m the youngest. why is it that the youngest is the one that has to keep everything and everyone together? i’ve gone through more than most could imagine and most would say “but that’s what has made you who you are today”… what if i don’t like what it’s made me? what if those things have ruined me? then what do i do?

i have so many people saying that god’s giving me these obstacles for a reason and he would never give me more than i can handle. but then i have people telling me to just give it to god. let him handle it. doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose then? if he’s giving me these obstacles for a reason why should i be giving them back? and if he’s giving me things that he thinks i can handle why am i not handling them? i very badly wanna be one of those people that can just talk to god and feel like everything is going to be ok or at least get better but i can’t. i’ve tried but it’s clearly not working. what am i doing wrong?

i’m usually the one to sit in the corner and put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. im tired of those fake smiles and those lies. i always put my feelings and problems aside to help others. i LOVE helping others, especially those i love. i can usually put the feelings inside into helping them but sometimes i am the one that needs the help. sometimes i’m the one that needs to be saved. and i have a lot of people that do help me but they don’t really understand what’s going on but i still can’t thank you guys enough for the help you do give me. people like gabby, monique, brizzy, ariel, mimi, jasmine, korey, annmarie, sammy, danielle, kristin, kristen, ashley, ashlee, wesley, james and even people like jordin and leah. i don’t even get to see or talk to those them as much as i would like to but they have both helped me through some rough times just by being them. i can’t thank god enough for bring you all to me.

some people say “well how am i supposed to know that somethings wrong?” and that’s true how ARE YOU supposed to know when something is wrong with ME if all i do is put on a smile and say everything is ok? well im tell you right here right now that im NOT ok. my smile is gone and my wall is slowly crumbling down.

you know people tell me “hey whenever you feel like everything is going wrong and you feel like you’re the only one just remember that there’s people out there going through much worse”. ok yes i know that. there’s kids in africa dying everyday before they hit the age of 5. there’s kids in middle east being blown up because of this war. there’s people living on the streets with no food, no water, no shelter. yes yes i understand that. but because they are having a bad life does that mean that i have to just forget all the hurt im going through? i didn’t kill those kids in africa. i didn’t start this war. i didn’t put these people on the street. if anything i would be the person to help every single one of these people so that THEY could live a better life. so THEY could smile but sometimes i wanna smile too.

i’ve done some stupid stuff in my life and sometimes i feel like god is getting me back for some of that stuff and i don’t blame him. i deserve to be punished. i just wish i could take back all the dumb stuff i’ve done and take back any of the hurt i’ve caused people in the process but i can’t. i can’t change the past. as much as i would like to i just can’t. all i can do is pray that i’ve learned from those mistakes and hope that i don’t do it in the future.

ahh the future. have you ever just sat and thought about the future and your dream? just made a plan and said THAT is what im going to do and NOTHING is going to get in my way! and then you get all excited and totally pumped about life and you think everything is gonna go great… then a few weeks later, maybe months, you realize that THAT plan just ain’t gonna work. then what do you do? make a another plan and keep making plans till something finally works? well i’ve run out of plans so where do i go from here? life’s not gonna just stop for me and wait til i can get my shit together so what do i do? do i keep planning and risk the pain and the heart ache or do i change my dream a settle for less? but im tired of settling for less. that’s all i ever do and im tired of it.

sometimes i wish god would just take me away from this world. i just feel like i have no purpose. why am i here? what’s my purpose? i’ve dreamt of being in heaven a few times and when i wake up i feel at peace. i want to feel like that all day every day. i want to be at peace.

i need to vent

ok so im really REALLY over my family right now. like im so done with them not approving anything i do.

first off, my tattoos. i HONESTLY do NOT understand why people have to get so worked up about them. it's MYYYYYYYYYYYY body. if i wanna "fuck it up" then ima fuck it the hell up. leave me the hell alone. you're not the one getting and living with them so let it go. im not a child. i can make decisions on my own. im not stupid. i know that they are permanent and are never going to come off. im not going someone's name tattooed on my or something stupid like that, im getting stuff that means something to me. and stuff that's going to be a constant day to day reminder of how to life and get through every day.

secondly, piercing.... like i said before, it's MY body. i just cannot express just how much i don't understand why people try and tell people that they shouldn't do something to their body just because they don't like it. everyone is different and everyone has their own opinion on things. i personally CANNOT stand those croc shoes but im not gonna go around yelling at everyone that's wearing them and telling them that they shouldn't wear them. oh and plus piercings aren't permanent. if i end up not liking it i'll take it out. LAKJSFOJIEJAFSL ahhhhh!! i just wanna scream.

another thing that's REALLYYYYYY bothering me is my like whole family smokes and they all smoke around me. it's bad enough that they're ruining their health but they don't gotta ruin mine too! when i was younger my sister and i made up a rule for my mom that she wasn't allowed to smoke inside the house or while we were in the car and it's been like that for such a long time. then all of a sudden when my sister started smoking the rules just disappeared o.O soooooo my health means nothing? because you're ruining your health you have to ruin mine too? i just don't get it. like my mom and sister will smoke inside the house with the windows shut and shit. even if im in my room with the door closed i still can smell it. today i felt like my head was in such a fog cause of all the smoke. it was horrible >_<

omg im so tired. i'll continue this tomorrow.

concert in heaven...

last night i had a dream of a dream.. weird? haha yea i was dreaming that i was dreaming. anyway i dreamt that i was walking about this big gym like place and it was really dark except for the faaaaaaaaaar corner so i started running over there then all of a sudden the lights came on and there were people all around me and i was looking around trying to figure out what was happening. then everyone got really quiet. no one was moving. they were just staring at that one corner. i suddenly heard someone whisper my name behind me and it was jeff (RIP jeff thanks for visiting me last night miss you<3) and i was like jeff what’s happening where am i? and he was like we’re in heaven punk(he always called me a punk lol) and we’re waiting for michael. he promised he’s sing us one song. i was like :O and he put me on his shoulders so i could see and just at that second he came in stepped on stage and moonwalked to the center and everyone was cheering and screaming. then he asked everyone was song he should sing and everyone went crazy shouting out their favorite songs. the he was like hold up hold up how about i pick someone and they can pick the song?! everyone again started screaming and shouting and then he looked at jeff and said YOU! what song? and he said man in the mirror cause i know it’s her favorite song and looked at me and smiled. :) song he sang man in the mirror. i don’t remember really seeing him perform it but i remember listening to it and it was amazing. then when he was done i opened my eyes and everyone was gone except for jeff. he gave me a hug and said take care i’ll come visit you again real soon and then he was gone. the room was empty the lights shut off and i woke up.

over all i’d have to say it was THEE BEST dream ever.

REST IN PARADISE MICHAEL AND JEFFERY<3