Monday, July 13, 2009

my white flag is up...


i’ve always been the back bone for this family. i’m always the one to hold everyone together. it doesn’t really make much sense to me though. i’m the youngest. why is it that the youngest is the one that has to keep everything and everyone together? i’ve gone through more than most could imagine and most would say “but that’s what has made you who you are today”… what if i don’t like what it’s made me? what if those things have ruined me? then what do i do?

i have so many people saying that god’s giving me these obstacles for a reason and he would never give me more than i can handle. but then i have people telling me to just give it to god. let him handle it. doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose then? if he’s giving me these obstacles for a reason why should i be giving them back? and if he’s giving me things that he thinks i can handle why am i not handling them? i very badly wanna be one of those people that can just talk to god and feel like everything is going to be ok or at least get better but i can’t. i’ve tried but it’s clearly not working. what am i doing wrong?

i’m usually the one to sit in the corner and put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. im tired of those fake smiles and those lies. i always put my feelings and problems aside to help others. i LOVE helping others, especially those i love. i can usually put the feelings inside into helping them but sometimes i am the one that needs the help. sometimes i’m the one that needs to be saved. and i have a lot of people that do help me but they don’t really understand what’s going on but i still can’t thank you guys enough for the help you do give me. people like gabby, monique, brizzy, ariel, mimi, jasmine, korey, annmarie, sammy, danielle, kristin, kristen, ashley, ashlee, wesley, james and even people like jordin and leah. i don’t even get to see or talk to those them as much as i would like to but they have both helped me through some rough times just by being them. i can’t thank god enough for bring you all to me.

some people say “well how am i supposed to know that somethings wrong?” and that’s true how ARE YOU supposed to know when something is wrong with ME if all i do is put on a smile and say everything is ok? well im tell you right here right now that im NOT ok. my smile is gone and my wall is slowly crumbling down.

you know people tell me “hey whenever you feel like everything is going wrong and you feel like you’re the only one just remember that there’s people out there going through much worse”. ok yes i know that. there’s kids in africa dying everyday before they hit the age of 5. there’s kids in middle east being blown up because of this war. there’s people living on the streets with no food, no water, no shelter. yes yes i understand that. but because they are having a bad life does that mean that i have to just forget all the hurt im going through? i didn’t kill those kids in africa. i didn’t start this war. i didn’t put these people on the street. if anything i would be the person to help every single one of these people so that THEY could live a better life. so THEY could smile but sometimes i wanna smile too.

i’ve done some stupid stuff in my life and sometimes i feel like god is getting me back for some of that stuff and i don’t blame him. i deserve to be punished. i just wish i could take back all the dumb stuff i’ve done and take back any of the hurt i’ve caused people in the process but i can’t. i can’t change the past. as much as i would like to i just can’t. all i can do is pray that i’ve learned from those mistakes and hope that i don’t do it in the future.

ahh the future. have you ever just sat and thought about the future and your dream? just made a plan and said THAT is what im going to do and NOTHING is going to get in my way! and then you get all excited and totally pumped about life and you think everything is gonna go great… then a few weeks later, maybe months, you realize that THAT plan just ain’t gonna work. then what do you do? make a another plan and keep making plans till something finally works? well i’ve run out of plans so where do i go from here? life’s not gonna just stop for me and wait til i can get my shit together so what do i do? do i keep planning and risk the pain and the heart ache or do i change my dream a settle for less? but im tired of settling for less. that’s all i ever do and im tired of it.

sometimes i wish god would just take me away from this world. i just feel like i have no purpose. why am i here? what’s my purpose? i’ve dreamt of being in heaven a few times and when i wake up i feel at peace. i want to feel like that all day every day. i want to be at peace.

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