sit and think...

so today i sat on the porch and thought. stared up in the sky and just thought. (then when it got hot i came inside and just looked out my window. i also realized after like an hour of being inside i still had my sunglasses on haha. FAIL)

pretty much i thought about a lot of the questions that i blogged about a few days ago. why do things happen? how do things work? why do people come in your life then just stab you in the back and then leave?

i thought about my dad a lot actually. idk if i tweeted or blogged or anything about this but i few weeks ago my sister went to the base (army base) for something.. idk weekend training or something and one of the higher ups asked her if she knew that her dad was trying to join the army again. since we don't talk to my dad nor do we know anything about him she obviously didn't know. apparently he tried to join and they asked if he had any children in the army and he said no. they then told him actually yes you do and he just kept say no no i don't have any children. sooooo pretty much he just straight up doesn't give a flying rat's ass about us... awesomeeeee. that REALLY hit me hard. i've spent my WHOLE life trying to find this guy. wondering if he thinks about us or is trying to find us... then i hear about this. i would still love to find him and talk to him. i have so many unanswered questions that only HE can answer and damn it they WILL be answered! *sigh* this little conversation i had with myself made me so mad and frustrated i cried for about an hour then realized i was talking to myself and stopped crying and started thinking about something else.

i started thinking about my life. the good and the bad. i thought about all the friends i've made in the past couple years also all the friends i've lost. it's sad that my bestfriend of about 8 years is completely gone. like she disappeared off the face of the planet. the sad thing is that it's probably completely all my fault. i wasn't the bestfriend i should've been. i still love her to death and hope that we can be friends again in the future but i just don't think we'll ever be as close as we once were. im so so soooooo happy for all the friends that i've made though. omg it's CRAZYYYY how many people i've met. let's see if i can name them all... please forgive me if i forget you >_<

gabby. annmarie. korey. ariel. brizzy. monique. ashley. ashlee. mikkalia. sammy. jasmine. jasmine. jasmine. (hahaha) james. wesley. carlie. ellen. heather. janay. johanna. megan. megan. karen. kristin. kristen. LJ. lauren. mallory. nikia. brittany. danielle. jessica. shanelle. rana. sami. luci. aly. shane. tajae. taylor. meah. leah. fanaye. colton. sara.

O_O woa. i have a feeling im missing someone and they're gonna get hella mad at me xD anyway it's crazy how many people i've met just in the past like year and a half almost 2 years. like seriously that's crazy and all because of some random girl named jordin :P i don't think she realizes how many people she's brought together. i can't wait to meet everyone. we WILL have that speezy convention. i PROMISE :)

so yea i thought about everyone and how thankful i am for them cause HONESTLY i wouldn't be here without them. so thank you thank you thank you. everyone last one of you. seriously.

what else did i think about. oh! duh life. i thought about how much i wanted/didn't want to be here. awww shit here comes the hard part. i think we all know that im not excited about life right now. and well if you haven't noticed that by now then you fail because it's pretty obvious. ANYWAY so i was sitting inside looking out my window and thinking what it would be like to be up there, up in the clouds looking down on everyone. how would everyone feel if i was gone? what would they do? now don't get crazy and start calling, texting, messaging me saying "OMG JOJO!! ARE YOU CRAZY?!" blah blah blah. i understand a lot of you care for me and you would hate to see me go buuuut some people just aren't meant to be in this world and i believe im one of those people. i feel like god is pushing me to the limits EVERY day seeing just how far i'll go before breaking down. he never gives me a break. every day is challenge. every day is an obstacle course. will i make it through the whole course without breaking? can i get through it without getting hurt?

when i wake up in the morning i ask myself how much hurt can i take today and that determines how much i do. if i feel like i can take a lot then i'll go out and do stuff. go to the mall. go out to eat. pretty much just be out. if i feel like i can't take much then i stay in my room all day with my music and my computer. i wish i could tell everyone EVERYTHING so you knew what im feeling and why i feel that way but i just can't. believe me it's better if you just didn't know and just hope for the best. you see i have a love/hate relationship with life. some days we love eachother but most days we hate eachother. it's been that way for quite some time now so it's nothing new. i will say though that the days that we love eachother are the best days ever. wouldn't trade them for the world.

i feel like im not making much sense. haha i tend to ramble and start to digress. sorry if im confusing you. my brain (woa as i typed 'brain' jordin sang 'brain' THAT was weird) anyway my brain works faster then my fingers can type, which is actually pretty fast sometimes haha. la la la laaaa im having a major A.D.D. moment. although i've never been tested for A.D.D. im pretty sure i have it. actually im pretty sure A LOT of people have it. alkejoianfdas ok ok FOCUS!

what else did i think about today? i thought about my hip hop class and how i have noooo idea what song my group is going to use for our final. any suggestions? let me know. i also thought about what the heck im going to do about school. stupid budget cuts took away a lot of the computer classes that i was planning on taking sooo idk what to do. change my major? I HAVE NO IDEA. but i only have a few weeks to figure it out because classes start august 17th, which is the monday after my summer class ends. yea my summer failed. COMPLETELY failed. i didn't do ANYTHING. and i only went to the beach ONCE! smh that's just sad. for someone that lives pretty damn close to the beach that is a complete and epic failure that i only went once. i didn't even go swimming... nope not once. didn't even get to go to vegas! >:(

ok im having a really hard time focusing right now so ima end this blog and i'll blog more tomorrow about the serious shaz that i thought about today cause i don't feel like crying right now. nope nope nope. so goodbye for now. gumbo in the morning. earlier than usual so let's hope i can wake up >_<

loooooooove (^_^)V

my white flag is up...

i’ve always been the back bone for this family. i’m always the one to hold everyone together. it doesn’t really make much sense to me though. i’m the youngest. why is it that the youngest is the one that has to keep everything and everyone together? i’ve gone through more than most could imagine and most would say “but that’s what has made you who you are today”… what if i don’t like what it’s made me? what if those things have ruined me? then what do i do?

i have so many people saying that god’s giving me these obstacles for a reason and he would never give me more than i can handle. but then i have people telling me to just give it to god. let him handle it. doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose then? if he’s giving me these obstacles for a reason why should i be giving them back? and if he’s giving me things that he thinks i can handle why am i not handling them? i very badly wanna be one of those people that can just talk to god and feel like everything is going to be ok or at least get better but i can’t. i’ve tried but it’s clearly not working. what am i doing wrong?

i’m usually the one to sit in the corner and put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. im tired of those fake smiles and those lies. i always put my feelings and problems aside to help others. i LOVE helping others, especially those i love. i can usually put the feelings inside into helping them but sometimes i am the one that needs the help. sometimes i’m the one that needs to be saved. and i have a lot of people that do help me but they don’t really understand what’s going on but i still can’t thank you guys enough for the help you do give me. people like gabby, monique, brizzy, ariel, mimi, jasmine, korey, annmarie, sammy, danielle, kristin, kristen, ashley, ashlee, wesley, james and even people like jordin and leah. i don’t even get to see or talk to those them as much as i would like to but they have both helped me through some rough times just by being them. i can’t thank god enough for bring you all to me.

some people say “well how am i supposed to know that somethings wrong?” and that’s true how ARE YOU supposed to know when something is wrong with ME if all i do is put on a smile and say everything is ok? well im tell you right here right now that im NOT ok. my smile is gone and my wall is slowly crumbling down.

you know people tell me “hey whenever you feel like everything is going wrong and you feel like you’re the only one just remember that there’s people out there going through much worse”. ok yes i know that. there’s kids in africa dying everyday before they hit the age of 5. there’s kids in middle east being blown up because of this war. there’s people living on the streets with no food, no water, no shelter. yes yes i understand that. but because they are having a bad life does that mean that i have to just forget all the hurt im going through? i didn’t kill those kids in africa. i didn’t start this war. i didn’t put these people on the street. if anything i would be the person to help every single one of these people so that THEY could live a better life. so THEY could smile but sometimes i wanna smile too.

i’ve done some stupid stuff in my life and sometimes i feel like god is getting me back for some of that stuff and i don’t blame him. i deserve to be punished. i just wish i could take back all the dumb stuff i’ve done and take back any of the hurt i’ve caused people in the process but i can’t. i can’t change the past. as much as i would like to i just can’t. all i can do is pray that i’ve learned from those mistakes and hope that i don’t do it in the future.

ahh the future. have you ever just sat and thought about the future and your dream? just made a plan and said THAT is what im going to do and NOTHING is going to get in my way! and then you get all excited and totally pumped about life and you think everything is gonna go great… then a few weeks later, maybe months, you realize that THAT plan just ain’t gonna work. then what do you do? make a another plan and keep making plans till something finally works? well i’ve run out of plans so where do i go from here? life’s not gonna just stop for me and wait til i can get my shit together so what do i do? do i keep planning and risk the pain and the heart ache or do i change my dream a settle for less? but im tired of settling for less. that’s all i ever do and im tired of it.

sometimes i wish god would just take me away from this world. i just feel like i have no purpose. why am i here? what’s my purpose? i’ve dreamt of being in heaven a few times and when i wake up i feel at peace. i want to feel like that all day every day. i want to be at peace.

i need to vent

ok so im really REALLY over my family right now. like im so done with them not approving anything i do.

first off, my tattoos. i HONESTLY do NOT understand why people have to get so worked up about them. it's MYYYYYYYYYYYY body. if i wanna "fuck it up" then ima fuck it the hell up. leave me the hell alone. you're not the one getting and living with them so let it go. im not a child. i can make decisions on my own. im not stupid. i know that they are permanent and are never going to come off. im not going someone's name tattooed on my or something stupid like that, im getting stuff that means something to me. and stuff that's going to be a constant day to day reminder of how to life and get through every day.

secondly, piercing.... like i said before, it's MY body. i just cannot express just how much i don't understand why people try and tell people that they shouldn't do something to their body just because they don't like it. everyone is different and everyone has their own opinion on things. i personally CANNOT stand those croc shoes but im not gonna go around yelling at everyone that's wearing them and telling them that they shouldn't wear them. oh and plus piercings aren't permanent. if i end up not liking it i'll take it out. LAKJSFOJIEJAFSL ahhhhh!! i just wanna scream.

another thing that's REALLYYYYYY bothering me is my like whole family smokes and they all smoke around me. it's bad enough that they're ruining their health but they don't gotta ruin mine too! when i was younger my sister and i made up a rule for my mom that she wasn't allowed to smoke inside the house or while we were in the car and it's been like that for such a long time. then all of a sudden when my sister started smoking the rules just disappeared o.O soooooo my health means nothing? because you're ruining your health you have to ruin mine too? i just don't get it. like my mom and sister will smoke inside the house with the windows shut and shit. even if im in my room with the door closed i still can smell it. today i felt like my head was in such a fog cause of all the smoke. it was horrible >_<

omg im so tired. i'll continue this tomorrow.