Dance Show requirements....

So I've just been informed that I have to raise a minimum of $100 by the 22nd of this month for this dance show. I know we're all broke but if you could donate anything it would be greatly appreciated cause lord knows I don't have a dime to my name to give.

ok first off i wanna say a little something about my friends. or kinda more like to my friends... you guys are amazing. and i really hope you guys know that i love and appreciated every single one of you. BUT if you come to me asking what's wrong and i just say "nothing, i'll be ok" it's not because i don't trust you enough to tell you or anything it's just that some people understand better then others. i know it sucks cause all you wanna do is help but it's easier to talk to people that understand rather then someone that's just gonna say "im sorry. i hope things get better." you know? saldkfjie idk how to put it into words but just know that im not mad at you or anything there's just certains that i can only tell certain people.

now onto a different subject. this is going to get me hella texts, comments, messages, everything but i just gotta be honest. i've grown up not really knowing much about God. i mean i was told who he was, what he's done for us and all that but never really got to know HIM. i never really went to church when i was younger but in middle school i had a friend that invited me to her church so i was like sure i'll go. now it wasn't like you just sat and listened to someone talk for 2hours or whatever it was actually really really fun. we would get there and there would be games like pool, foosball, ping pong. and there were snacks and music. really fun. then when it was time to start we would all play a game. like once we were split into groups and had to tape one person to the wall with duct tape and whichever goup have their person stay up the longest would win. then we were get the chairs out (if they weren't out already) and we would sing a few songs then the pastor would come up and talk. he was really really cool too. he would have us laughin like crazy. i remember thinking like wow if this is what church is like why havn't i been coming? so i started going every week with her. then one night, i can't even remember what we were talking about the night but the pastor said something like "why are you here? are you here for God or are you here for fun and your friends?" and all of a sudden i just broke down in tears. my friend and her sister were like o.O what's wrong with her? so me, my friend, her sister, and her friend all moved to the back corner and they were like hey are you ok? what's wrong? and i was like i have no idea. i think it just hit me that i was there for all the wrong reasons. so we sat there for a little while til i calmed down and then went back to our seats.

at the end of the night the pastor and one of the counselors for the girls came up to me and asked if they could talk to me. they asked if i was alright and i told them that i thought i finally realized that i was coming for the wrong reasons and for some reason it really just broke me down. they said that it was good that i realized that and they were happy about it. we talked for a little bit longer and then i went home.

i kept going every week (well almost, since it was on wednesdays and we were in school if i had too much homework i couldn't go). i went for both years of middle school and then once highschool came along we stopped. the wednesday nights were only for middle schoolers and then after that you went with the adults to the "boring" services. so i stopped going all together.

now im going to skip a lot of details that i will later blog about but as for now im just tell you my story behind my relationship with God.

so i stopped going to church and i started partying. started drinking in attempt to hide all the pain and frustrations from home and what not(that "pain" is a whole other story that i will blog about later). which it did help but then made it worse when i was sitting over the toliet puking my brains out. (TMI? sorry) then i started smoking weed. that helped too but again the high would go away and i would be just as depressed as before. i started doubting God and everything about him. i started asking myself why he would let me do all these things and let all these things happen to me. i kept telling myself that he was real and that did exist but my heart just wouldn't believe me. so God just wasn't a part of my life. then jordin came along.

jordin jordin jordin. i think we all know that she's absolutely amazing. random fact: i NEVER wore my hair down and curly till she came along. xD i saw how cute it looked on her and decided to try it and people ended up loving it! yay. haha anyway after idol i started learning more and more about her and found out how religious she was and how happy she was so i decided to try and get my head on straight. i didn't start going to church but i started praying again asking God to forgive me for leaving him. i got my "faith" tattoo as a reminder to never let it go. i later on got my '1 Timothy 6:12' tattoo to remind me that God DOES have a plan for me and stop trying to fight against him and his plan. and of course my famous OSAAT tattoo LOL. that tattoo seriously gets me through EVERYTHING. i LOVE it.

so now im here. my love for God still isn't as high as it used to be but im working on it. i still feel like im being punished or something. i feel like he doesn't care that all these bad things are happening. i feel like he doesn't care that im hurting myself constantly to release the pain. no matter how many times someone tells me that he loves me and that he cares for me i just don't feel it. i want so badly to feel his love like i used to but i've lost it and don't know how to get it back. people keep telling me to pray and i am but it's just not working for me. i don't know what to do anymore.

christa said something that REALLY opened my eyes though and im going to steal it straight from her blog...

"i've talked about this before...and i'll talk about it again, but we all know there's a lot of bad things that go on in this world. for so many years i would shake my fist at God screaming WHY??? WHY did the sexual have to be awakened in me so early?? WHY was i struggling constantly with addictions?? WHY was i so depressed?? WHY couldn't i get free?? WHY didn't anyone love me in the guy department?? WHY WHY WHY???? the crazy thing is...when i actually stopped accusing him...stopped blaming him...and got close to him....i found out that not only did he not have anything to do with much of it...he actaully CRIED with me...longing for it NOT to have happened to me. it WASN'T his will that i was abused. it WASN'T his will for me to be in such pain. well, then the age-old question...why didn't he stop it from happening completely???

because the essence of love is a choice. (i'm repeating myself, but sometimes we need to hear things over and over before they sink in). the definition of love means someone has a choice whether or not to love. you can't command or force love...otherwise it ceases to be love. that's why...because he loved us and wanted to be with us...he said, 'i want them to CHOOSE me. i want them to love me, not because i make them, but because they WANT to.' his very definition of love meant that he had to follow his own rules....and he gave us the choice whether or not we would love him back."

does it not seem like she's speaking directly to ME?! i feel that way why a lot of stuff she writes. she's opened my eyes to A LOT. but deep down inside im still lost and still dealing with a lot and i don't think that it's going to be easy to get over all of this stuff but im very VERY thankful that christa is doing all of this and sharing her story because it's REALLY helping.

i think im going to end this here. this blog is REALLY long, im sorry. maybe i should change my major from computers to writing LOL noooooot! i love my computers too much :P if you've sat and read this whole thing you are amazing because i probably would have said "pft jojo you crazy i ain't readin all this!" hahaha. omg seriously i need to stop typing.

GOODBYE!

sit and think...

so today i sat on the porch and thought. stared up in the sky and just thought. (then when it got hot i came inside and just looked out my window. i also realized after like an hour of being inside i still had my sunglasses on haha. FAIL)

pretty much i thought about a lot of the questions that i blogged about a few days ago. why do things happen? how do things work? why do people come in your life then just stab you in the back and then leave?

i thought about my dad a lot actually. idk if i tweeted or blogged or anything about this but i few weeks ago my sister went to the base (army base) for something.. idk weekend training or something and one of the higher ups asked her if she knew that her dad was trying to join the army again. since we don't talk to my dad nor do we know anything about him she obviously didn't know. apparently he tried to join and they asked if he had any children in the army and he said no. they then told him actually yes you do and he just kept say no no i don't have any children. sooooo pretty much he just straight up doesn't give a flying rat's ass about us... awesomeeeee. that REALLY hit me hard. i've spent my WHOLE life trying to find this guy. wondering if he thinks about us or is trying to find us... then i hear about this. i would still love to find him and talk to him. i have so many unanswered questions that only HE can answer and damn it they WILL be answered! *sigh* this little conversation i had with myself made me so mad and frustrated i cried for about an hour then realized i was talking to myself and stopped crying and started thinking about something else.

i started thinking about my life. the good and the bad. i thought about all the friends i've made in the past couple years also all the friends i've lost. it's sad that my bestfriend of about 8 years is completely gone. like she disappeared off the face of the planet. the sad thing is that it's probably completely all my fault. i wasn't the bestfriend i should've been. i still love her to death and hope that we can be friends again in the future but i just don't think we'll ever be as close as we once were. im so so soooooo happy for all the friends that i've made though. omg it's CRAZYYYY how many people i've met. let's see if i can name them all... please forgive me if i forget you >_<

gabby. annmarie. korey. ariel. brizzy. monique. ashley. ashlee. mikkalia. sammy. jasmine. jasmine. jasmine. (hahaha) james. wesley. carlie. ellen. heather. janay. johanna. megan. megan. karen. kristin. kristen. LJ. lauren. mallory. nikia. brittany. danielle. jessica. shanelle. rana. sami. luci. aly. shane. tajae. taylor. meah. leah. fanaye. colton. sara.

O_O woa. i have a feeling im missing someone and they're gonna get hella mad at me xD anyway it's crazy how many people i've met just in the past like year and a half almost 2 years. like seriously that's crazy and all because of some random girl named jordin :P i don't think she realizes how many people she's brought together. i can't wait to meet everyone. we WILL have that speezy convention. i PROMISE :)

so yea i thought about everyone and how thankful i am for them cause HONESTLY i wouldn't be here without them. so thank you thank you thank you. everyone last one of you. seriously.

what else did i think about. oh! duh life. i thought about how much i wanted/didn't want to be here. awww shit here comes the hard part. i think we all know that im not excited about life right now. and well if you haven't noticed that by now then you fail because it's pretty obvious. ANYWAY so i was sitting inside looking out my window and thinking what it would be like to be up there, up in the clouds looking down on everyone. how would everyone feel if i was gone? what would they do? now don't get crazy and start calling, texting, messaging me saying "OMG JOJO!! ARE YOU CRAZY?!" blah blah blah. i understand a lot of you care for me and you would hate to see me go buuuut some people just aren't meant to be in this world and i believe im one of those people. i feel like god is pushing me to the limits EVERY day seeing just how far i'll go before breaking down. he never gives me a break. every day is challenge. every day is an obstacle course. will i make it through the whole course without breaking? can i get through it without getting hurt?

when i wake up in the morning i ask myself how much hurt can i take today and that determines how much i do. if i feel like i can take a lot then i'll go out and do stuff. go to the mall. go out to eat. pretty much just be out. if i feel like i can't take much then i stay in my room all day with my music and my computer. i wish i could tell everyone EVERYTHING so you knew what im feeling and why i feel that way but i just can't. believe me it's better if you just didn't know and just hope for the best. you see i have a love/hate relationship with life. some days we love eachother but most days we hate eachother. it's been that way for quite some time now so it's nothing new. i will say though that the days that we love eachother are the best days ever. wouldn't trade them for the world.

i feel like im not making much sense. haha i tend to ramble and start to digress. sorry if im confusing you. my brain (woa as i typed 'brain' jordin sang 'brain' THAT was weird) anyway my brain works faster then my fingers can type, which is actually pretty fast sometimes haha. la la la laaaa im having a major A.D.D. moment. although i've never been tested for A.D.D. im pretty sure i have it. actually im pretty sure A LOT of people have it. alkejoianfdas ok ok FOCUS!

what else did i think about today? i thought about my hip hop class and how i have noooo idea what song my group is going to use for our final. any suggestions? let me know. i also thought about what the heck im going to do about school. stupid budget cuts took away a lot of the computer classes that i was planning on taking sooo idk what to do. change my major? I HAVE NO IDEA. but i only have a few weeks to figure it out because classes start august 17th, which is the monday after my summer class ends. yea my summer failed. COMPLETELY failed. i didn't do ANYTHING. and i only went to the beach ONCE! smh that's just sad. for someone that lives pretty damn close to the beach that is a complete and epic failure that i only went once. i didn't even go swimming... nope not once. didn't even get to go to vegas! >:(

ok im having a really hard time focusing right now so ima end this blog and i'll blog more tomorrow about the serious shaz that i thought about today cause i don't feel like crying right now. nope nope nope. so goodbye for now. gumbo in the morning. earlier than usual so let's hope i can wake up >_<

loooooooove (^_^)V

my white flag is up...

i’ve always been the back bone for this family. i’m always the one to hold everyone together. it doesn’t really make much sense to me though. i’m the youngest. why is it that the youngest is the one that has to keep everything and everyone together? i’ve gone through more than most could imagine and most would say “but that’s what has made you who you are today”… what if i don’t like what it’s made me? what if those things have ruined me? then what do i do?

i have so many people saying that god’s giving me these obstacles for a reason and he would never give me more than i can handle. but then i have people telling me to just give it to god. let him handle it. doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose then? if he’s giving me these obstacles for a reason why should i be giving them back? and if he’s giving me things that he thinks i can handle why am i not handling them? i very badly wanna be one of those people that can just talk to god and feel like everything is going to be ok or at least get better but i can’t. i’ve tried but it’s clearly not working. what am i doing wrong?

i’m usually the one to sit in the corner and put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. im tired of those fake smiles and those lies. i always put my feelings and problems aside to help others. i LOVE helping others, especially those i love. i can usually put the feelings inside into helping them but sometimes i am the one that needs the help. sometimes i’m the one that needs to be saved. and i have a lot of people that do help me but they don’t really understand what’s going on but i still can’t thank you guys enough for the help you do give me. people like gabby, monique, brizzy, ariel, mimi, jasmine, korey, annmarie, sammy, danielle, kristin, kristen, ashley, ashlee, wesley, james and even people like jordin and leah. i don’t even get to see or talk to those them as much as i would like to but they have both helped me through some rough times just by being them. i can’t thank god enough for bring you all to me.

some people say “well how am i supposed to know that somethings wrong?” and that’s true how ARE YOU supposed to know when something is wrong with ME if all i do is put on a smile and say everything is ok? well im tell you right here right now that im NOT ok. my smile is gone and my wall is slowly crumbling down.

you know people tell me “hey whenever you feel like everything is going wrong and you feel like you’re the only one just remember that there’s people out there going through much worse”. ok yes i know that. there’s kids in africa dying everyday before they hit the age of 5. there’s kids in middle east being blown up because of this war. there’s people living on the streets with no food, no water, no shelter. yes yes i understand that. but because they are having a bad life does that mean that i have to just forget all the hurt im going through? i didn’t kill those kids in africa. i didn’t start this war. i didn’t put these people on the street. if anything i would be the person to help every single one of these people so that THEY could live a better life. so THEY could smile but sometimes i wanna smile too.

i’ve done some stupid stuff in my life and sometimes i feel like god is getting me back for some of that stuff and i don’t blame him. i deserve to be punished. i just wish i could take back all the dumb stuff i’ve done and take back any of the hurt i’ve caused people in the process but i can’t. i can’t change the past. as much as i would like to i just can’t. all i can do is pray that i’ve learned from those mistakes and hope that i don’t do it in the future.

ahh the future. have you ever just sat and thought about the future and your dream? just made a plan and said THAT is what im going to do and NOTHING is going to get in my way! and then you get all excited and totally pumped about life and you think everything is gonna go great… then a few weeks later, maybe months, you realize that THAT plan just ain’t gonna work. then what do you do? make a another plan and keep making plans till something finally works? well i’ve run out of plans so where do i go from here? life’s not gonna just stop for me and wait til i can get my shit together so what do i do? do i keep planning and risk the pain and the heart ache or do i change my dream a settle for less? but im tired of settling for less. that’s all i ever do and im tired of it.

sometimes i wish god would just take me away from this world. i just feel like i have no purpose. why am i here? what’s my purpose? i’ve dreamt of being in heaven a few times and when i wake up i feel at peace. i want to feel like that all day every day. i want to be at peace.

i need to vent

ok so im really REALLY over my family right now. like im so done with them not approving anything i do.

first off, my tattoos. i HONESTLY do NOT understand why people have to get so worked up about them. it's MYYYYYYYYYYYY body. if i wanna "fuck it up" then ima fuck it the hell up. leave me the hell alone. you're not the one getting and living with them so let it go. im not a child. i can make decisions on my own. im not stupid. i know that they are permanent and are never going to come off. im not going someone's name tattooed on my or something stupid like that, im getting stuff that means something to me. and stuff that's going to be a constant day to day reminder of how to life and get through every day.

secondly, piercing.... like i said before, it's MY body. i just cannot express just how much i don't understand why people try and tell people that they shouldn't do something to their body just because they don't like it. everyone is different and everyone has their own opinion on things. i personally CANNOT stand those croc shoes but im not gonna go around yelling at everyone that's wearing them and telling them that they shouldn't wear them. oh and plus piercings aren't permanent. if i end up not liking it i'll take it out. LAKJSFOJIEJAFSL ahhhhh!! i just wanna scream.

another thing that's REALLYYYYYY bothering me is my like whole family smokes and they all smoke around me. it's bad enough that they're ruining their health but they don't gotta ruin mine too! when i was younger my sister and i made up a rule for my mom that she wasn't allowed to smoke inside the house or while we were in the car and it's been like that for such a long time. then all of a sudden when my sister started smoking the rules just disappeared o.O soooooo my health means nothing? because you're ruining your health you have to ruin mine too? i just don't get it. like my mom and sister will smoke inside the house with the windows shut and shit. even if im in my room with the door closed i still can smell it. today i felt like my head was in such a fog cause of all the smoke. it was horrible >_<

omg im so tired. i'll continue this tomorrow.

concert in heaven...

last night i had a dream of a dream.. weird? haha yea i was dreaming that i was dreaming. anyway i dreamt that i was walking about this big gym like place and it was really dark except for the faaaaaaaaaar corner so i started running over there then all of a sudden the lights came on and there were people all around me and i was looking around trying to figure out what was happening. then everyone got really quiet. no one was moving. they were just staring at that one corner. i suddenly heard someone whisper my name behind me and it was jeff (RIP jeff thanks for visiting me last night miss you<3) and i was like jeff what’s happening where am i? and he was like we’re in heaven punk(he always called me a punk lol) and we’re waiting for michael. he promised he’s sing us one song. i was like :O and he put me on his shoulders so i could see and just at that second he came in stepped on stage and moonwalked to the center and everyone was cheering and screaming. then he asked everyone was song he should sing and everyone went crazy shouting out their favorite songs. the he was like hold up hold up how about i pick someone and they can pick the song?! everyone again started screaming and shouting and then he looked at jeff and said YOU! what song? and he said man in the mirror cause i know it’s her favorite song and looked at me and smiled. :) song he sang man in the mirror. i don’t remember really seeing him perform it but i remember listening to it and it was amazing. then when he was done i opened my eyes and everyone was gone except for jeff. he gave me a hug and said take care i’ll come visit you again real soon and then he was gone. the room was empty the lights shut off and i woke up.

over all i’d have to say it was THEE BEST dream ever.

REST IN PARADISE MICHAEL AND JEFFERY<3

begginn.. gradients? easy peasy... NOOOT!

so hip hop was funnnn. starting to get to know more and more people so yea. our first dance is to beggin and the teacher video taped it today and umm i look like a foooool hahaha but it's all good. it's only day 3 :)

now as for this damn computer class. xD so we were doing gradients today and during the lecture i was like oh this is gonna be easy.... i was wrong. >:( idk why it's so freaking hard! but whatever i know that when this class is over im going to know A LOT that im going to need if im going to want to make a career out of web design and what not. so i'll stick with it even if it makes me crazy

here's the video from hip hop today...